Chinese Chaplins

Sunday night the Indian batting order folded up an hour and a half ahead of schedule, so I found myself at a loose end. Didn’t feel like working or reading, and I’d watched every DVD lying around. On impulse I dug into the old stocks and came across a few pirated ones I’d bought across the border in Shenzhen. Flipping through them, I realized that I’d been guilty of passing over some rare treasure.

The blurbs on the back.

Are genius.

Here’s the best one.

A Jewish barber was wounded and lost the memory,He was sent into hospital. Twenty years later the Dictator of Hynkel assumed the reins of government.,Barber’s friend found he was like Dictator of Hynkel.Soon,barber and friend were arrested by assaulters,They changed military dress and went away. Then,Hynkel was nearby hunting,He was considered barber and beat by assaulters,But real barber was considered a dictator, This comedic film was developed…..

Take a deep breath. read it again -- you may have missed something. I did. On second (or third, whatever -- I was too busy reading to count) reading, this reminded me of something. Two years ago, a graduate student I work with had been looking for blurbs of local plays to use as stimulus material in a study she intended to run. She’d sent me some of the wilder ones. Here, for Your Edification, Noble Reader, are a few choice selections.

The Village of Widows
At a coastal fishing village of Fujian Province a weird custom was enforced: wives were only allowed to spend the evening at their husbands’ homes for three nights per year; no intercourse during the first three years; those who could not bear a child in the next three years would be despised. Anyone breaking these rules would have to die at sea. (From relentless unprotected intercourse with sea-urchins, perhaps. Ed.)

Two Great Sheep
An old farmer and his wife have been unwittingly entrusted with rare foreign sheep. But trouble ensues when it is obvious that the couple – and the rest of the village – have no idea how to raise these giant breeds properly. Thus begins the bureaucratic game of “passing the buck”, which ends in a hilarious coda that completely eviscerates the whole notion of public property. (Wonder who plays the sheep and how they list it on their vita. Ed.)

United We Stand, And Swim
Teen ‘Fish’ was dumped by his girlfriend for his poor and shameful swimming skill. To recover his confidence in sports and dignity as a man, he enrolls in a swimming class and vows a wow. In the first lesson ‘Fish’ meets a class likes a living hell and the pot-bellied coach is a money-minded guy. His determination to swim like a fish vapors. Yet the next moment something stunning appears… When his eyes hook up a classmate as sweet as a mermaid… (No comment. Ed.)

As I was typing these out, it occurred to me that surely I could do as good a job myself. After all, the best deserve the treatment.

So here’s a shot at one of my favorites films, blurbed as it should surely be, using the best-practice thematic devices from the above exemplars.

A Bowling Story
Jeff (Dude) was relaxing in his bathroom when intruders push his face into his toilet with Chinaman Wu perform micturation on his living rug. Soon, he tells his giant friend Walter who says he should draw a line in the sand because aggression from the pot-bellied man who was also Lebowski. In front of Big Lebowski Dude is despised. He is poor and shameful. Then, It appeared to Dude and Walter that Lebowski is a money-minded guy who blackmailing himself by using unwitting Nazilists. Lebowski shows Dude was considered his wife’s toe with green nail polish. Meanwhile Walter and Dude go bowling with Donny (a walrus) against jesus (a foreign sheep lover) and Dude’s car got stolen which he gets back without CCR tapes and a tramp excremented inside the back seat leaving vapors. Walter found Larry’s test card and vows a wow and breaked up his neighbor’s new car. Dude's determination to find the assaulter is passed. Many instances of the word “fuck” are ensued despite only one intercourse with Big Lebowski’s daughter who wants to bear a child. Yet the next evening something stunning occurs while dying at sea… A hilarious coda involving a completely eviscerated can of Folgers…

Feel free to send in your creations. It's all in the public domain, like, man. It's come to light.

And in case you’re wondering, I spent the evening sitting on the balcony listening to Sonny Rollins and the MJQ, sipping some tasty.