Nomological Net

Stray thoughts from here and there. The occasional concern for construct validity. No more logic. Fish.

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faults in the clouds of delusion

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Chinese Chaplins

Sunday night the Indian batting order folded up an hour and a half ahead of schedule, so I found myself at a loose end. Didn’t feel like working or reading, and I’d watched every DVD lying around. On impulse I dug into the old stocks and came across a few pirated ones I’d bought across the border in Shenzhen. Flipping through them, I realized that I’d been guilty of passing over some rare treasure.

The blurbs on the back.

Are genius.

Here’s the best one.

A Jewish barber was wounded and lost the memory,He was sent into hospital. Twenty years later the Dictator of Hynkel assumed the reins of government.,Barber’s friend found he was like Dictator of Hynkel.Soon,barber and friend were arrested by assaulters,They changed military dress and went away. Then,Hynkel was nearby hunting,He was considered barber and beat by assaulters,But real barber was considered a dictator, This comedic film was developed…..

Take a deep breath. read it again -- you may have missed something. I did. On second (or third, whatever -- I was too busy reading to count) reading, this reminded me of something. Two years ago, a graduate student I work with had been looking for blurbs of local plays to use as stimulus material in a study she intended to run. She’d sent me some of the wilder ones. Here, for Your Edification, Noble Reader, are a few choice selections.

The Village of Widows
At a coastal fishing village of Fujian Province a weird custom was enforced: wives were only allowed to spend the evening at their husbands’ homes for three nights per year; no intercourse during the first three years; those who could not bear a child in the next three years would be despised. Anyone breaking these rules would have to die at sea. (From relentless unprotected intercourse with sea-urchins, perhaps. Ed.)

Two Great Sheep
An old farmer and his wife have been unwittingly entrusted with rare foreign sheep. But trouble ensues when it is obvious that the couple – and the rest of the village – have no idea how to raise these giant breeds properly. Thus begins the bureaucratic game of “passing the buck”, which ends in a hilarious coda that completely eviscerates the whole notion of public property. (Wonder who plays the sheep and how they list it on their vita. Ed.)

United We Stand, And Swim
Teen ‘Fish’ was dumped by his girlfriend for his poor and shameful swimming skill. To recover his confidence in sports and dignity as a man, he enrolls in a swimming class and vows a wow. In the first lesson ‘Fish’ meets a class likes a living hell and the pot-bellied coach is a money-minded guy. His determination to swim like a fish vapors. Yet the next moment something stunning appears… When his eyes hook up a classmate as sweet as a mermaid… (No comment. Ed.)

As I was typing these out, it occurred to me that surely I could do as good a job myself. After all, the best deserve the treatment.

So here’s a shot at one of my favorites films, blurbed as it should surely be, using the best-practice thematic devices from the above exemplars.

A Bowling Story
Jeff (Dude) was relaxing in his bathroom when intruders push his face into his toilet with Chinaman Wu perform micturation on his living rug. Soon, he tells his giant friend Walter who says he should draw a line in the sand because aggression from the pot-bellied man who was also Lebowski. In front of Big Lebowski Dude is despised. He is poor and shameful. Then, It appeared to Dude and Walter that Lebowski is a money-minded guy who blackmailing himself by using unwitting Nazilists. Lebowski shows Dude was considered his wife’s toe with green nail polish. Meanwhile Walter and Dude go bowling with Donny (a walrus) against jesus (a foreign sheep lover) and Dude’s car got stolen which he gets back without CCR tapes and a tramp excremented inside the back seat leaving vapors. Walter found Larry’s test card and vows a wow and breaked up his neighbor’s new car. Dude's determination to find the assaulter is passed. Many instances of the word “fuck” are ensued despite only one intercourse with Big Lebowski’s daughter who wants to bear a child. Yet the next evening something stunning occurs while dying at sea… A hilarious coda involving a completely eviscerated can of Folgers…

Feel free to send in your creations. It's all in the public domain, like, man. It's come to light.

And in case you’re wondering, I spent the evening sitting on the balcony listening to Sonny Rollins and the MJQ, sipping some tasty.

5 Comments:

Blogger MockTurtle said...

Hilarity ensues when two assaulters enter apartment to retrieve mystery briefcase. Upon eating the breakfast of Brett and quoting bible before assaulting him, Marvin is spared assault but his head is eviscerated by Vega's gun in car when it goes over the road bump. Jules then vows a wow to stop the assaulting and walk the earth.
Vega's eyes hooks up with money-minded boss Marsellus's wife while dancing a twist. But before intercourse she mistakes his powders and he must inject her heart to revive her.
Marsellus then informs 'Boxer' to lose fight. If he breaks these rules he would be despised, but 'Boxer' recovers his confidence in sports and dignity as a man by assaulting his opponent to death.
'Boxer' and Marsellus enter a basement like a living hell where Zed begins the bureaucratic game of "passing the gimp". 'Boxer' eviscerates Zed with a samurai sword so Marsellus' determination to kill him vapors and 'Boxer' escapes.

11/29/2006 4:13 AM  
Blogger gaddeswarup said...

Learnt a new word today :"eviscerate". Will be useful in describing those village fights with axes and spears.

11/29/2006 6:29 AM  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

"I spent the evening sitting on the balcony listening to Sonny Rollins and the MJQ, sipping some tasty."

Don"t Be kidding us, Mistre., We knowwhat you do last evening. You only bee eviscerating all blurbs on all DVD"s.

Nice work :-)

11/29/2006 1:06 PM  
Blogger Tabula Rasa said...

mt:
heh. read that with ever-broadening smile :-D

swarup:
soon you'll be wondering how you did without! e-viscerate.

ghost:
damn, you saw right through me! spooky.

11/30/2006 2:46 AM  
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